I Am Infinite Love

He has been running from intimacy since the moment he was born. I was brought here as an angel of light to teach him to love.

I had an interesting dream last night that I’ve been thinking about all morning, trying to find the root message. I’m distracted, I’m vulnerable, I’m solemn as I try to dissect this dream I was so upset in. So it’s not so much the context of the dream I’m curious about, although it definitely has me wondering, but I’m focusing on my reaction to the events of the dream. The analysis of the dream has me feeling unloved and confused as I keep reminding myself of my reality which is not the dream. I linger between analysis and reality. I’m not 100% light and love, I am unable to give as much as usual.

He sees me pouting, and unhappy for some reason. He doesn’t like it. He avoids me, not having anything to give himself. He’s tired, he works until nightfall, he has a lot going on, he needs me to be there for him. He doesn’t have extra to give. And that’s okay.

I want to believe he’s not strong enough for me, I want to believe he’s incapable of giving, I want to believe he doesn’t love me. But none of it is true. Just because he doesn’t love me the way I want him to doesn’t mean he’s not trying to love me with all he has. I forgive the harsh words directed my way as his expression of not having extra to give. It is all ego chatter, maybe close to true, maybe not. But it was not close to what was going on in the moment. He woke up late, he was tired and sore, he did not have extra to give.

I am an angel of light. Sometimes I need love, affection, support when I am low energy.

I remember I am capable of giving myself the love, affection, support I need. I am infinite love. It is hard to believe, but I don’t doubt it. I give myself space and forgive the harsh words. I do not allow my ego chatter to escape through my lips. I keep my mouth closed and I do not believe the ego chatter. I’ve been training my whole life to give myself the love, affection, support I need. There have been abundant opportunities to practice giving to myself, while everyone always seemed to be caught up with their own stuff, not having extra to give. I wasted most of them with self-pity, ego chatter, negative self-talk, I wanted to believe no one could love me because I didn’t know what it meant to love myself. But today I did it. I quieted the ego chatter and spoke I Love You through tears while patting my chest with my open hand until I laughed.

He scolded me for not doing enough, I know it’s ego chatter. In the past it’s been a trigger, but I know it is not true. I keep my mouth closed, I do not believe the ego chatter. I begin to clear my space, I re-read the last few pages of a Wayne Dyer book, The Power of Intention. The self-pity, the negative self-talk floats away. I feel different, motivated, energized, the fog lifted. I’m hungry. I make myself a cup of coffee and butter the cooled toast and retreat back to my space. He’s still mad at me and I don’t know what to say but I know I’m in the process of giving myself what I need in order to have extra to give to him, and I quietly continue to clear my space. He makes his breakfast, does what he needs to do before his day of work, and leaves, with no words spoken but I know he loves me so I send him an I Love You through my thoughts with hopes of him having a good day and I continue on my way. It’s been a long time coming, learning to direct my feelings and thoughts into creativity and love. Thank you. I love you. Forgive me. I forgive you. I love me. Thank you.

May 4 New Moon In Taurus

*All underlined parts can be replaced with subjects related to your own life*
The following is an exercise from the New Moon Astrology book by Jan Spiller. Enjoy.

May 4, 2019

wishes for the new moon in Taurus

Taurus rules accumulation, including:

Money; Material comforts; Ownership; Possessions

I easily find myself creating financial independence in a happy way. I have lots of money in a happy way! All self-sabotaging anxieties around money are totally lifted from me. I attract and purchase the right possession(s) for me at a price I can afford. I easily find myself taking steps that lead to owning my own possessions. I have clear thinking regarding money, leading to my handling my resources in ways that are in my overall best interests. I easily find myself living in comfortable surroundings.

Taurus rules the physical senses, including:

Sensuality; Heightened tactile enjoyment; Massage; Physical comfort; Aromas; Tastes

I easily find myself enjoying the sensual side of life in a happy, healthy way. I find myself successfully initiating an enjoyable experience of massage with my mate at least a few times each month. I discover and use body oils that enhance both my and my mate’s enjoyment of our bodies. I purchase clothing the feels sensual and comfortable on my body. I easily find myself taking the time to cook, saver, and appreciate my meals. I find myself enjoying and appreciating the tastes, smells, and textures of the foods I eat. I easily attract, recognize, and work with the right massage therapist for me. In my sexual relationship with my partner, I fully experience joyous sensual pleasure.

Taurus rules enjoyment of life on earth, including:

Appreciation; Gratitude; Simple physical pleasures; Rapport with nature; Satisfaction; Contentment

I enjoy and appreciate my life. I count my blessings and feel thankful for the good things that are in my life. I easily find myself consciously enjoying the simple pleasures of everyday life. I easily find myself gardening a minimum of one day(s) a week. I easily find myself constantly and consistently appreciating the abundance of life and Mother Nature. I experience a feeling of contentment with my life. I easily find myself experiencing a sense of satisfaction with the good things that are in my life.

Taurus rules building, including:

Solid foundations; Persistence; Progressing step-by-step; Thoroughness; Perseverance

I easily find myself filled with persistence—continually pressing on until my goal of a creation is reached. I easily find myself taking the time to build solid foundations that I can depend on in every area of my life. I easily find myself slowing down and doing each task with thoroughness. I have the consistency to steadily progress, step-by-step, until I accomplish my goal of a creation. The habit of trying to rush results is easily lifted from me.

Taurus rules reliability, including:

Patience; Dependability; Trustworthiness; Steadfastness

I easily find myself keeping my word, and being a person that others can rely on. The quality of loving patience and steady progress enters every area of my life. I easily find myself patiently, step-by-step, accomplishing my goal of patience. I determine my current “first value” and then steadfastly stay focused on it until it is reached. I easily find myself relying on my own efforts for success. I easily find myself saying the right words that inspire others to be more reliable and loyal toward me. The quality of dependability enters into my relationships; for me to manifest consistently dependable behavior and inspire dependability in others.

Taurus rules self-worth, including:

Awareness of personal needs; Setting appropriate boundaries; Strong values; Determination; Self-acceptance

I have lots of strength and determination, leading to my maintaining my decisions. I define what’s important to me, and easily find myself living according to those values. I easily find myself communicating my needs to others in a way that encourages them to support me. I easily find myself stating my needs without an attachment to results. I easily find myself establishing boundaries that make my life stronger. I consciously and consistently experience feelings of self-worth in every area of my life. The tendency to undervalue myself is easily lifted from me. I easily find myself being true to my own timing and comfort zones.

Taurus also rules inflexibility, including:

Stubbornness; Attachment; Resistance to change; Possessiveness; Holding dogmatic opinions; Stagnation

All self-defeating stubbornness is easily lifted from me. All possessiveness is totally lifted from me. I easily find myself expressing my views in ways that do not shut others out of the conversation. The habit of lazy stagnation is totally lifted from me. All attachment to excessive accumulation is totally lifted from me. All nonconstructive resistance to change is easily lifted from me. I easily find myself embracing constructive change.

In matters of restoring health, Taurus rules:

Coughs; Throat, chin, and neck; Thyroid gland; Voice and vocal cords

A total healing occurs in the area of my thyroid. I easily attract recognize and work with the right healers for me that restore my thyroid to perfect health. I attract right information that leads to a total healing of my tendency to not speak my truth. I easily find myself taking action that leads to my successfully restoring my thyroid to perfect health and beauty.